Below please find my guidelines for existence in Hollywood. I am wise, I contain multitudes. Rule

#1: Don't touch the celebrities. They bite. They don't like to be hassled, especially when at the mall with their kids, eating dinner with the husband, or getting into their car. The only time one should ever approach a celebrity is at a specified Celebrity-Signing Event--your red carpets, premiere parties, etc. Otherwise, just leave them alone. They're not going to give you a job. They already know that people love their movies: their paychecks say so. Having them in a photo in front of Pinkberry makes you look like a Starfucker from Hicksville.

Also, IMPORTANT COROLLARY TO RULE #1. Don't sleep with celebrities! They're fuckin' crazy! Didn't you see Showgirls? Remember how the black chick spends the whole movie saying how this singer is her all-time favorite, then she meets him AND HE AND HIS THREE BODYGUARDS GANG RAPE HER?! They'll do that, every time. Girls too. And this doesn't even get into my theory that all celebrities go Bi at some point, simply to try something new.

Rule #2. It's a tough town--you do what you gotta. A friend of mine turned down a commercial gig because he found it demeaning to his people. Good lord, after 5 years here, you could dress me up in a Hitler outfit for a SAG card! This is LA, people. It's not about morals. And it's definitely not about artistic integrity--take that to an Off-Off-Broadway stage in Scarsdale. Only the sick survive here. If someone tells you to suck dick for a three episode arc, you grab your headshots and lip gloss. There's work to do.

Rule #3. Be happy for your friends. No one ever got a job because their friend threw in the hotel and moved back to Kansas to teach high school English. True, a constant state of low-grade jealousy is endemic to Los Angeles, but do try to be happy for others' success. It'll make gettign through your day much easier. Plus, if nothing else, talking shit will eventually get back to them, and then you'll be the one teaching English somewhere awful.

Rule #4. If you haven't been to their house, you can't refer to a celebrity by their first name only. No, "Zach was great in that movie!" or "Amy makes me laugh so hard!" Otherwise, you sound like a poser.