Facebook Status Update

Many people don't understand the sheer awkwardness of their status updates. Let me try to explain. Think of a status update as something you'd say in a group of people at a party. It should be an announcement that could start a conversation, that no one would be confused by. The following are logical status updates:

"I watched Transformers last night and feel that Megan Fox is trailer trash pretty, like she's hot but has at least one close sibling cooking meth somewhere."
"[David Rosenberg] can't believe people are mourning Michael Jackson. Don't they know he was a pedophile?"
"Who wants to go to the Frog this weekend?"

All logical, and would emit logical responses from the other listeners/readers, like "Yes, she looks like gonorrhea" or "No, we never score bitches at the Frog."

On the flip side, here are examples of updates that are meant for ONE INDIVIDUAL, not all of Facebook to know how lame you are:
"Why do you hurt me?"
"My illusion of you is better than the reality of you."

Both of those comments are directed at one person, whoever the "you" is. Just send them a frickin message. If you want the whole world to know that someone hurt you, then go all-balls-out and name them, like "why'd you hurt me, Jason?" Otherwise, it's just quizzical and annoying.

Here's another one:
"So... does this mean that I won? :-P"

This is a question that only one person can answer. The rest of the world doesn't care. Part of the problem with Facebook is that it convinces people that everyone finds them interesting and would like to know what they're doing at all times. However, most people are not interesting, and even those who are need to be a bit more descriptive. The above quote has no descriptive nouns in it, so how am I supposed to know what it meant.

Back to: "My illusion of you is better than the reality of you." This is supposed to go to one person, because it's just about them. Also, it's extremely lame and should only be uttered maybe late at night or in the middle of a fight. If you send this as a status update, people will wonder why you're clogging up their facebook feed with crappy, sentimental faux-poetry. These thoughts are best kept to oneself.

Understood? Now try not to be so cheesy.