Greenie Wienies

I bet that if the environment could speak, it would kindly thank us for our support, but request that our lamest citizens not speak out on its behalf. I bet even other fat chicks would want earnest Hayden Panetierre on their side. The ironic fact that she protests on behalf of whales must piss them off immensely. I bet they're like, "We're fat enough as is. Couldn't a skinny, less douche-y celebrity help us out? She might eat all our krill."

Or Al Gore. Nice guy, but rather pathetic as a public figure. Doesn't really sound the alarm bells well. The environment would be in much better shape if someone like Roseanne Barr, or an undeceased Sam Kinison imploring us to use less fossil fuels. (Actually, any undead would be cool--you would totally do what a zombie said, lest it eat your brains.) Al Gore's so boring it makes me want to use more oil and gas. Roseanne Barr would spur me into action, if only to appease her.

It's just that environmental activists are such pests that it makes it hard to support their causes. It always seemed like the Greenpeace kids were exactly the ones you'd avoid speaking to at a party anyways, and now they want to mail you stuff. Even other attempts by the greens were cheesy--anyone remember Captain Planet? That show was so bad it made me want to club a seal.

Look, I support their cause. And I'm happy that the world is finally coming around. Just find edgier spokespeople. Or at least give me the option that for every $10 I donate, I get to pour pig's blood over some doody-dreds-haired hippie vegan. That, I could totally get behind.